644.
From the hotel entrance to the elevator, and from the elevator to Gu Yiliang’s room, it was less than a hundred meters in total, but I felt like I had just completed the Long March.
(TN: Reference to the strategic retreat undertaken by the Chinese Red Army, led by the Communist Party of China, to escape the Kuomintang forces, marking the beginning of Mao Zedong’s rise to power.)

First, I had to cover his entire face with a mask to prevent us from being recognized by paparazzi or obsessive fans who could appear at any moment.
Second, I practically had to half-carry him to keep him from collapsing and taking root on the spot.
Finally, I had to clutch tightly at his clothes and pants, because as soon as he saw the elevator doors open and close, he immediately tried to strip at lightning speed.

That speed… honestly, he really deserved his ranking as a high-level player with over 5000 points in Dota. For a second, I almost caught a glimpse of his ‘weapon’, you know? “Captain, don’t shoot, it’s me!”

(NT: Dota stands for Defense of the Ancients. It’s a popular MOBA game)

 

645.
In the elevator, he wanted to take off his clothes and pants, I refused to let him, but he kept insisting… If anyone snapped a picture of this scene, the entire entertainment industry would explode tomorrow. We’d both head west (TN: poetic euphemism for death), hand in hand, leaving no trace of our bodies.

 

646.
When I finally managed to get him, intact and unharmed, all the way to his room door, I let out a long sigh of relief.
That’s when he patted his pocket, turned his head toward me with a dazed look, and said: “…Where’s my room card?”
I swallowed back my sigh. How the hell should I know where his card was?!
Seeing him pat himself down while swaying dangerously, I hurriedly shoved him against the wall, made him put his hands flat, and started searching his pockets for the card.

 

647.
Behind us, the door to the room opposite suddenly swung open… then quickly shut again.
A moment later, it opened once more. The lead actor poked his head out, stared at us for a few seconds, then sighed in relief: “Ah, it’s you! I thought it was a prostitution raid.”
Me: …? Did I just learn something incriminating?
I said to him: “Brother, could you call the front desk for me? Gu-ge is completely drunk and can’t find his card…”
He replied: “In this state, you’re not going to let him sleep alone, are you? Imagine if he vomits everywhere in the middle of the night—who’s going to clean that up? You’re not that drunk, you should stay and watch him.”

 

648.
…Excuse me? Who said I wasn’t drunk? I drank just as much as he did, okay?
Sure, thanks to Lao Huang’s hardcore training, I could hold my liquor better than the average person, but I was still walking in a wobbly line.
Only, since Gu Yiliang was already in this state, I couldn’t afford to be drunk myself.
What if something happened to him? Wouldn’t I become a widower?!
Besides, he was currently in a phase where if he disagreed with something, he’d whip out his ‘weapon’! How was I supposed to share a room with him like this?!
How could a drunk like me take care of another drunk? I was terrified that in a moment of carelessness I’d end up in a hand-to-hand duel with him!

 

649.
While these thoughts scrolled through my head like a barrage of on-screen comments, Gu Yiliang was already in the bathroom of my room, brushing his teeth and getting ready to shower.

 

650.
I started pacing in front of the door, wondering if I should go in and play out a scene like: “Oh no, I’m drunk, oh no, the floor is slippery, ah! I fell—oops, right into your arms!”
But my utter lack of acting skills kept me from attempting it.

A drunk me, stuck in the same room with my completely wasted crush… Mathematically, how many possible scenarios could that produce?
What was I supposed to do?! How was I supposed to react?! None of the fanfics had prepared me for this!
— The fanfics!

I jolted and pulled out my phone, searching on Lofter for “#MyLove #Drunk.”
While scrolling through the results, I knocked on the bathroom door and said seriously: “I’m just outside, if you need anything, call me.”
From inside, a drowsy voice answered: “Mm.”

 

650.5
[Excerpt from Gu Yiliang’s phone memo – 2]
Acting drunk worked perfectly, now I’m in his room.
Red and white mixed together—it really does go to your head.
I did throw up, but I’m still completely clear-headed.
Why can’t I type properly on this keyboard?
So many typos… maybe I really am just a little bit drunk.
So yes, I’m drunk.

 

651.
Why is it that in every fanfiction, Gu Yiliang is always described as some kind of alcohol-enduring monster, while I’m the one who collapses every time?!
My comrades, my friends—this is false, completely false!

Just as I was frantically scrolling through the chapters, a dull thud came from the bathroom, followed by a muffled groan.
He didn’t just fall, did he?!

I dropped my phone instantly and pushed the door open: “Gu—”

Gu Yiliang was standing bare-chested under the shower, his pants soaked all the way to his ankles.
His eyes were a little red as he stared at me in a daze, phone still in hand.
What on earth was he doing? Was he trying to shower with his phone?!

Out of reflex, I glanced at his screen.
He immediately hid it behind his back…
Behind him, the water kept pouring down.
Right before my eyes, his phone went dark.

 

652.
…Alcohol causes severe brain damage.

 

653.
I asked: “Did you hit yourself somewhere?”
He stayed quiet for a moment, then answered with a pout: “… I’m too tall, I banged into the showerhead.”

Me: “…”
I’m sorry! This is my fault! It’s because I’m not tall enough—I set the showerhead too low!

 

654.
I was in complete confusion, not knowing whether it was from the alcohol or from how pitiful he looked. I almost wanted to faint like some drunken concubine (NT archetype troop in classical Chinese literature and operas, leading to romantic tension) and fall right into his arms—

But…

Showering with a phone, still wearing pants, smashing into the showerhead, and finally short-circuiting the phone…
At this point, he probably didn’t even know who I was anymore.
If anything were to happen in this state, it wouldn’t mean anything, would it?
I’d better not let myself have any improper thoughts about him.

Taking advantage of someone’s weakness is wrong!

I forced myself to straighten my mind, and now I felt as upright as a laser beam!

I rolled up my sleeves, yanked the phone out of his hands and set it aside, then unhooked the showerhead.
Tilting my chin with absolute confidence, I commanded him: “Take off your pants.”

 

655.
Oh! That line was way too… too domineering!
Never in my life did I think that I, Wei Yanzi, would one day say such a thing to Gu Yiliang!

 

656.
But just as my dominating aura had time to shine for a moment, someone lunged at me, slamming me against the wall.
The showerhead hit the floor with a crash, water spraying everywhere.
My head was about to smack against the wall when two hands shot out to cushion the impact, making a dull thud.

In a panic, I grabbed his wrist: “Are you okay, your hand?!”

Gu Yiliang didn’t answer. Like a bear rubbing against a tree, he pressed himself against me, something hard pushing into my stomach.

But wait—aren’t drunk people supposed to not be able to…?! How is he this good at it?!

I had just finished convincing myself…

Could it be that he had mistaking me for someone else?!

I grimaced and shoved him: “What are you doing? Testing poison on me with a needle?!”

He looked at me, confused: “Your (beep)… is toxic?” (NT: the author censored the original text)

Me: “…”
How was it that, even when he was totally drunk and couldn’t recognize people, he was still this stubborn and relentless?

 

657.
His eyes, veiled with alcohol and blurred by the steam’s warmth, stared at me with piercing intensity.
It felt like he was devouring me with his gaze.

My body twisted like a supermarket inflatable doll, but his arms held me tightly.
This whole situation was going off the rails—I had no idea where it was headed, and I was absolutely unprepared!

Honestly, if it were someone else in this position, maybe it would’ve already gone all the way.
But I didn’t want to sleep with him while he was drunk!

Couldn’t we just sit down, have a drink, and talk calmly before anything more?
He probably didn’t even know who I was right now!

Besides—I don’t have some kind of automatic butt that functions like a front-loading washing machine, with built-in rinse and jet-spray features!

My mind was spinning in chaotic circles, while he kept rubbing softly against me, whispering: “… It’s fine, isn’t it?”

Me: “…”

Alright, that gentle tone instantly silenced all the turmoil in my head. After all… I was drunk too!

Taking a deep breath, I shook my hands loose and began undoing his pants, lowering my gaze to look at his—

 

658.
— Farewell! I, Wei Yanzi, depart ahead!
My road is long and arduous, but I wish you well—take care of yourself!

 

659.
My ass isn’t soft clay!
If he swings that stick this hard, I’ll pass out on the spot!

Half the alcohol drained right out of my system—before me there was only darkness.
Trembling, I pulled his pants back up, zipped the zipper, buttoned it, and smoothed out the wrinkles.

He blinked, turned his head slightly, wearing a dazed expression: “… Yanyan?”

 

660.
?

 

661.
— Hello! I, Wei Yanzi, have returned!

 

662.
The difference in strength was obvious now—his arm locked around me was impossible to pry off.

I tugged at his hair, forcing him to raise his head slightly: “… What did you just call me?”

He looked even more confused, hesitating before saying: “… Then, Xiao… Xiao Wei?”

Xiao, my ass!

My heart cracked open, releasing a soft warmth that spread through me—sweeter than any candy I’d ever eaten.

Could it be… our progress is at 99%?!

The corners of my lips seemed to move on their own, lifting upward.
I tugged at his face lightly: “You really know who I am?”

“… Why wouldn’t I recognize you?” His voice was low. “I’m drunk, not stupid…”

Me: “… Then who was the one who stuck his phone under the showerhead?”
Him: “…”

 

663.
He bit his lips and tugged gently at my pants.
I froze, an alarm going off in my head.
No—sure, I was happy, but I was still afraid of vanishing into dust!

What to do, what to do, what to do—
Wasn’t this going against what I’d been told?
Let’s say… this isn’t a good time?
Let’s say… it’s a bad omen?

I panicked, trying to think of a way to escape, but instead he lowered his gaze and murmured softly:
“… Don’t do this. I don’t have the equipment—it might hurt you.”

Me: “…”

What do you mean, equipment? Should I go outside and hunt down a wild monster to see if one drops it?!

But the way he said it—his tone, his words… it was so alluring.
For a second, I nearly wanted to run out the door to go monster hunting.

 

664.
I was losing myself, wondering where I could even find such a monster, what level it should be, and whether I could defeat it.

But then, all of a sudden, Gu Yiliang leaned in so close that his lips were less than a centimetre from mine, his warmth brushing across my face.

A sudden heat washed over me, and my fingers began caressing his back before I even realized it.

He asked: “… May I kiss you?”

My God! I’m going to hunt a monster right now! Prepare to die, monster!

I answered: “… Yes.”

 

665.
He kissed me.

 

666.
So what if I turn into dust and smoke!
Ten thousand years is far too long—
I want to seize this very moment, live it to the fullest.

 

Translator : DarNan